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  • The World:

    Microsoft, what the fuck are you doing with the Xbox One?

  • Microsoft:

    We're thinking FUTURE thoughts!

  • The World:

    What's going to happen when this console generation is over and the authentication servers go offline?

  • Microsoft:

    ....but not TOO future

I HAVE UNEARTHED AN ANCIENT JUGGALO ARTIFACT

I have no idea how anyone in my family came to acquire such an item, but I was going through some boxes and I found the most disturbingly hilarious thing: “Psychopathic Video Presents… STRANGLEMANIA 2: Bxtches Blood & Barbed Wire”. Yes, the “i” is literally replaced with an “x”.

“Unbelievable, death-match wrestling from Japan’s bloody underworld!”

“More Blood, More Gore and More half-naked fat guys trying to kill each other!”


So far this sounds like some stupid hardcore wrestling video. Then, then you see this.

“HOSTED BY ICP!”

http://uboachan.net/co/src/1363964111820.gif

Oh no.


Here’s the full text of the back:

“Join Gweedo (Shaggy) and 3-D (Violent J) along with newcomer Johnny Stark (Jamie Madrox) as they sit you down for a ringside seat to the world’s most forbidden sport… Death Match Pro-Wrestling.

WATCH WRESTLERS BEAT EACH OTHER’S FACES WITH FLAMING BARBED-WIRE BATS!

Strangle-mania 2 features the return of greats like Lama Namanumi… “Drunk” Terry Flunk… and even them two fat, lovable, butterballs… The Mushroom Boys.

Plus you’ll see many newcomers in action. A friendly-ass pansy known as Sweet Baby Bitch does battle with an unpredictable hermaphrodite known as “Asshole” Andy Armageddon…


You’ll see a fat fudge-packer in a stupid panda bear suit named Anderino Panderina make his debut against some other idiot named Ultra-Bxtch.

ALSO, if you think Death Match Wrestling is only for men, then think again. Because this time around, the women get involved! On this video, a fat chick named Sweaty Neden battles as sexy little freak named Sweet Sugar Ass in an electrified, barbed wire, exploding ring match! No holds barred in this one baby!!! Top notch, nipple to nipple action!

Strangle-mania 2 also features rare, top secret, classic wrestling footage from 1907. The Masked Cabana battles the Fortified Hooligan with an ending that is so amazing, it still remains unexplained to this very day. You have to see it believe it.

Make no mistake, this is Stranglemania action at it’s best. Nothing has changed. Both the returning greats and all the newcomers have the same objective… to stick flaming, barbed wire wrapped bats up each others bxtch asses!!! All for our Juggalo entertainment! So grab a fat chick, crack open a Faygo and pop Strangle-mania 2, cause it’s going down baby… wicked clown style.

This Video Tape Also Includes: ICP’s video for “Another Love Song”

PLUS - 10 minutes of ICP’s new movie, Big Money Hustlas!!!”

I AM LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW THIS THING IS SO RIDICULOUS.


Instead of  “All rights reserved”, it says “All wrongs reserved”.

ALL WRONGS RESERVED

AND THE RATINGS


It has FOUR of them:

“Rated R+” Not just R. R PLUS

“NC-27”

“Explicit Content”

“A.T.W.S. - All That Wicked Shxt”

I have no words. Nothing can do this batshit piece of juggalo archaeology justice.

arathe: Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how fucking tragic Davesprite is? Seriously, this guy spent months in a doomed timeline where John and Jade, two of his closest friends, had died. Trapped in an unwinnable scenario with only Rose for company. So he travels back in time (thus dooming his Rose)  to fix things and save his friends, prototyping himself into Past Dave’s sprite in an attempt to both spare Dave from having to deal with Calsprite, and maybe save his own doomed ass in the bargain. He had to listen to the friend he’d done this to save refer to another version of himself as the “Real Dave”. He had to watch Bro die. He’s a freaking hero, and it seems like people conveniently forget the fact in favor of treating him like some sort of made-in-china cheap Dave knock-off. Didn’t you mean CHEEP Dave knock-off?
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arathe:

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how fucking tragic Davesprite is?

Seriously, this guy spent months in a doomed timeline where John and Jade, two of his closest friends, had died. Trapped in an unwinnable scenario with only Rose for company.

So he travels back in time (thus dooming his Rose)  to fix things and save his friends, prototyping himself into Past Dave’s sprite in an attempt to both spare Dave from having to deal with Calsprite, and maybe save his own doomed ass in the bargain.

He had to listen to the friend he’d done this to save refer to another version of himself as the “Real Dave”.

He had to watch Bro die.

He’s a freaking hero, and it seems like people conveniently forget the fact in favor of treating him like some sort of made-in-china cheap Dave knock-off.

Didn’t you mean CHEEP Dave knock-off?

  • Amethyst Phoenix:

    *Links to that gif from Evangelion where Gendo's hand kind of just phases into Rei's breast*

  • Amethyst Phoenix:

    Evangelion is kind of fucked up sometimes.

  • Ayase:

    i actually thought thats what really happens when you get boob

  • Amethyst Phoenix:

    ...yes

  • Amethyst Phoenix:

    It is

  • Amethyst Phoenix:

    You have to navigate their innards and literally touch their heart to establish an emotional link.

  • Amethyst Phoenix:

    But careful, you don't want to accidentally hit the ribs.

  • Amethyst Phoenix:

    That buzzer from operation goes off and it is VERY startling.

  • Ayase:

    #sessions of the board game operation

annettesoleil: derxwnakapsyla: jazzjackalope: vedj-f: summercouture-ox: ‘Wormtail hesitated for a moment, looking as though he might argue, but then turned and headed through a hidden door’ hehehehe “As ever when we unweave a rainbow, it will not become less wonderful.” Okay then.  *looks around* … I’m not trying this with the phone book, yo. “The end of the world as he knew it was close to him — soon there might be a bullet through his heart.” beautiful. “Alone I mounted the tower, for every man of stout body was needed in the passes below.” … I’m scared. The closest thing to me was a physics text book. Here we go: “Figure 2-13a gives the acceleration of a volunteer’s head and torso during a rear-end collision.” Well then.
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annettesoleil:

derxwnakapsyla:

jazzjackalope:

vedj-f:

summercouture-ox:

‘Wormtail hesitated for a moment, looking as though he might argue, but then turned and headed through a hidden door’

hehehehe

“As ever when we unweave a rainbow, it will not become less wonderful.”

Okay then. 

*looks around*

…

I’m not trying this with the phone book, yo.

“The end of the world as he knew it was close to him — soon there might be a bullet through his heart.”

beautiful.

“Alone I mounted the tower, for every man of stout body was needed in the passes below.”

… I’m scared.

The closest thing to me was a physics text book. Here we go:


“Figure 2-13a gives the acceleration of a volunteer’s head and torso during a rear-end collision.”

Well then.

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